Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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