Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
