yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
