I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
