Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
