Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
