did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
please come you make the beer taste better
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
