Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
