I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
