I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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