please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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