Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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