i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it's like iHOP with fire
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC