he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
It's rum buckets o'clock
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.