I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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