I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT