Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
