Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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