Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
