i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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