So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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