apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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