i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
