Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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