If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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