Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
