my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
