I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
