A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
birth control should be required to get into college
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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