cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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