Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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