I'm sorry my penis didn't work
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
