haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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