On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
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The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
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I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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