found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
