The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
