Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
