Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
we have officially lost it.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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