I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
