have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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