I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Randomize
