Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
