Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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