My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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