these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
