Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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