I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
