where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
