so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
