im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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