need another drink. this is the easiest way
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
