Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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