I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
