good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
