if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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