It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
