Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
