I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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