I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
