I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
