god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
