normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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