the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
