Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Randomize
